Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Saved and loving God....yet empty!!!

So, it's been almost 3 years since my last blog and a lot has changed since then. The most important thing is that I'm now saved and for real this time and not just clubbing & sinning in this world and going to church every once in a while and professing Christ when he is the last thing on my mind. I have been set free from addictions such as smoking and drinking and I'm so in love and souled out for Christ. Yet... there is something in me still broken, still longing for more, longing for a deeper walk. In this season in my life I'm going through a lot inside and outside as well. It's been a trying time and my faith is really being tested to the fullest degree. I am feeling very broken inside and the very people that i wanted to be with me in this walk are the very same people that are missing in action or so consumed with their own life that my troubles are a mear thought. God is molding my character in this season and strengthening my faith. I've always been weary towards trusting people because I didn't have many if all people to trust in growing up. So now as an adult I would rather just get something done myself. God is telling me to slow down and anything I could ever need is in him and not a job or people. It's very hard for me because my patience is really low at this time. I'm wanting God to transform me and I'm fighting the process completely. I prayed for God to mold me and to use me anyway he wants to and to take away anything hindering my walk. When that prayer came to past I'm wondering why I'm alone, jobless, and unable to pay bills and very frustrated with my life in general. I asked for this and I'm so blind to not even understand that he's drawing me deeper into relationship with him. He is testing me to see if he is REALLY what I want and not things. I've watched people get blessed with jobs, cars and all kinds of blessing in this testing season in my life but yet I still trust him. My faith is being put to the test and my ability to trust him when things seem to be going down over and over...month after month....
God, I just want to serve you. I want nothing or nobody to draw me away from the place of peace that you have put in me. I want to be totally souled out for you. Let no test or trial waiver my faith in you. Let nothing tear me away from your love for me. I know that there is no life to go back to if it's not with you. I know that death awaits me if I'm not in your will. Lord thank you for strength to hold on despite anything I'm going through right now.

I trust You!!! You're able!!!!!

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