Saved and loving God....yet empty!!!

So, it's been almost 3 years since my last blog and a lot has changed since then. The most important thing is that I'm now saved and for real this time and not just clubbing & sinning in this world and going to church every once in a while and professing Christ when he is the last thing on my mind. I have been set free from addictions such as smoking and drinking and I'm so in love and souled out for Christ. Yet... there is something in me still broken, still longing for more, longing for a deeper walk. In this season in my life I'm going through a lot inside and outside as well. It's been a trying time and my faith is really being tested to the fullest degree. I am feeling very broken inside and the very people that i wanted to be with me in this walk are the very same people that are missing in action or so consumed with their own life that my troubles are a mear thought. God is molding my character in this season and strengthening my faith. I've always been weary towards trusting people because I didn't have many if all people to trust in growing up. So now as an adult I would rather just get something done myself. God is telling me to slow down and anything I could ever need is in him and not a job or people. It's very hard for me because my patience is really low at this time. I'm wanting God to transform me and I'm fighting the process completely. I prayed for God to mold me and to use me anyway he wants to and to take away anything hindering my walk. When that prayer came to past I'm wondering why I'm alone, jobless, and unable to pay bills and very frustrated with my life in general. I asked for this and I'm so blind to not even understand that he's drawing me deeper into relationship with him. He is testing me to see if he is REALLY what I want and not things. I've watched people get blessed with jobs, cars and all kinds of blessing in this testing season in my life but yet I still trust him. My faith is being put to the test and my ability to trust him when things seem to be going down over and over...month after month....

God, I just want to serve you. I want nothing or nobody to draw me away from the place of peace that you have put in me. I want to be totally souled out for you. Let no test or trial waiver my faith in you. Let nothing tear me away from your love for me. I know that there is no life to go back to if it's not with you. I know that death awaits me if I'm not in your will. Lord thank you for strength to hold on despite anything I'm going through right now.

I trust You!!! You're able!!!!!

HAPPINESS AND LIFE

SO IM LAYING DOWN IN BED AND A FEW THOUGHTS RUN THREW MY MIND. FOR THOSE THAT ARE READING THIS IT MAY SEEM LIKE U CANNOT GRASP WHAT EXACTLY IM FEELING. WHAT AM I TALKING ABOUT??? LOVE AS IF U COULDNT TELL BY THESE BRIGHT RED LETTERS LOL. IM NEW TO THE LOVE SCENE BUT IM MUCH MORE WISER AND AWARE TO THINGS NOW. I WANNA BREAK DOWN THE FACTS THAT IVE LEARNED ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS AND GUYS N GENERAL(GUYS CORRECT ME IF IM WRONG)..

1.WHEN A GUY LIES HE TENDS TO FORGET THE 1ST LIE & END UP TELLING ON HIMSELF

2. WHEN A GUY IS IN LOVE HE TENDS TO WAIT UNTIL U TELL HIM U LOVE HIM FIRST TO AVOID CRUSHED FEELINGS

3.RELATIONSHIPS ARE ABOUT LEARNING AND GROWING TOGETHER..DONT JUST EXPECT THE WORLD AND NOT WANT TO GIVE BACK ANYTHING IN RETURN(NOT JUST TALKING ABUT $$$ EITHER)

4, GUYS LIKE ATTENTION ALSO..SOMETIMES THE ONLY WAY THEY KNOW HOW TO SHOW IT IS THREW SEX(SAD BUT TRUE AND ITS TIME FOR U TO GROW UP IF U THINKING THIS WAY)





SO YEAH THOSE ARE A FEW THINGS THAT RAN THREW MY MIND. EACH GUY IS SO DIFFERENT IN THEIR OWN LITTLE WAYS. IN MY MIND BEING HAPPY DOESNT HAVE TO INCLUDE BEING IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH A MAN..THAT WOULD BE NICE BUT I HAVE OTHER THINGS AND PPL IN MY LIFE THAT COMPLETE ME..1ST BEING MY PRECIOUS 16 1/2 MONTH OLD BABY BOY CJ AKA POODIE. HE IS MY WORLD. THE REASON I FIGHT SO HARD FOR THINGS IN MY LIFE TO BE RIGHT. HIS SMILE BRIGTHENS MY DAY AND MAKES LIFE ALL WORTH-WHILE.



SO YES I SAID BEING HAPPY IN MY MIND DOESNT HAVE TO HAVE A MAN IN MY LIFE OR BEING IN A RELATIONSHIP BUT YET IN STILL I CRAVE "HIS TOUCH". I LAY UP IN BED THINKING ABOUT WHAT IT WOULD FEEL LIKE FOR "HIM" TO RAP HIS ARMS AROUND ME. TO HOLD ME SO TIGHT AND NEVER LET ME GO BACK TO THIS CRUEL CRUEL WORLD. I WONDER HOW THINGS GOT TO THIS PLACE AND ME THINKING OF "HIM" DURING THE DAY, WHILE DOING OTHER THINGS.. I GUESS EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE HAS A CERTAIN PLACE IN TIME.,MAYBE U DONT UNDERSTAND WHAT IM TYPING BUT ITS CLEAR IN MY MIND..HMMM MAYBE NOT SO CLEAR BUT SEMI-CLEAR LOL WELL IMMA LET IT MARINATE AND SIMMER UNTIL I COME UP WITH A LOGICAL ANSWER OR CONCLUSION...LOL DAMNNNNNNN

& "HE" IS ON MY MIND


UNTIL NEXT TIME XOXOSMOOCHIESXOXO____TRACEY AKA @BROWN_SUGARXOXO

SELFISH

It has been a lil while since i first introduced myself on my 1st blog. I need to let out some steam if you dont mind....So i shall begin.....THE WORD SELFISH. I am selfish and i hate to admit it but its true. Sometimes i get so caught up in myself that i forget that everything doesnt and WONT be my way 24/7. Now dont get me wrong i know that people have their own life to tend to but sometimes i get so wrapped up thinking about the negatve things i forget about the positve things..sound confusing? Bc it is.

Let me break it down some because you are prob. wondering "what is she talking about"....i know im right lol. So me and my son are moving back to my hometown Orlando,Fl and im currently staying with my BFF until we leave. So my bff has a roomate and she just started dating a new guy and is NEVER home. My bff complains to me about that 24/7....how she attaches to a guy easy and blah blah blah. So my bff talks to a guy also(shes single though). My bff is not the type to attach herself to a guy completely bc like me shes been hurt by guys and doesnt want to go down that path again. So she talks to many diff guys..No problem with that bc guys nowadayz are not shit(most of them at least). So its this one guy that she talks to and spends most of her time with him now. She barely comes home and keeps clothes at his house or whatnot. My thing is how can she be talking about her roomate and she is starting to do the same things,,,u cant talk about something then turn right around and do the same thing...but to each is own i guess.


My main focus is on me though. My bff is sad that me and poodie are moving back, BUT i barely ever see her at home anymore.. :-(. Im being selfish because i want her all to myself and she has a life of her own as well. I just feel sad and guilty for thinking like this bc if i told her how i feel about this situation she would stay home with me and poodie and spend more time with us. The bad part about that is thats soo wrong on so many levels. Her life doesnt stop just because me and poodie are leaving, Yes we will miss each other ALOT and yes i will cry But ITS NOT THE END OF THE WORLD. Im clueless about what i should or should not say...:-/

I dont like the fact that im Selfish but im Woman enough to admit what lots of people feel but wont admit to. I like things to go my way and if they dont it becomes a BIG problem. The sad part about that is ive been told im selfish by so many people and i never actually realized that i am. I denied it over and over and recently just had a falling out with my fav cousin that i used to do everything with beccause of me being selfish and a few other things...I dont want to be a selfish person because its not becoming for a Woman to feel like that. I dont know the first place to start, What i do know is that it is time to take a look in the mirror and realize that my "shit do stink" and find a way to work threw my damn problems and get ove my "lil kid" ways. I am 21 years old with a 16 month handsome baby boy and i have so many blessing to thank GOD for.

Dont judge me because we all have faults but im just woman enough to express mines and not be ashamed about it....IM STILL A WORK IN PROGRESS AND I HAVE SO MUCH MORE ROOM TO GROW INTO THE WOMAN I WANT TO BECOME..

I FEEL SO MUCH BETTER AFTER WRITING THIS..LIKE A BIG TON OF BRICKS HAS BEEN LIFTED OFF MY SHOULDERS...'

X______TRACEY XOXOXO

PS FEEDBACK IS VERY APPRECIATED

DEEP IN THOUGHT

Hello..this is my very first blog and honestly i feel its way overdue. Im a very private person but i need to let out some of my feelings with yall tonight...hmm where should i start. ill start off by saying that my life has been very rocky and feels like im been losing myself during this whole process. my mother died at the end of march this year. she was my everything regardless of all the problems we had(the normal mother/daughter issue) I feel like a piece of me is FOREVER gone. Some nights I lay in bed and just cry while my son is asleep. My heart really hurts..I'm trying not to cry right now but my eyes r getting blurry and tears are starting to fall as I write this. I play this tough girl role all the time to everyone so I appear strong, but I know all my family and friends see I'm hurting inside. Nobody can stop the hurt and I just wish someone would take the pain away. Its been very hard for me to get out of bed at times. I know its terrible to say but sometimes I wish I was gone with my mom. She will NEVER be able to enjoy her first grandchild. My son is 14 months and won't even remember anything or her. That really pains me. I'm really breaking down and I feel so alone. My father or nobody can't feel how I feel. My friends have their own problems and I don't want to push my problems on anyone. So I keep to myself and cry it out thinking I will feel better after I'm done. It NEVER works bc after I'm done crying the empty spot in my heart is still there. I planned to talk about love and yada yada in my other thoughts in my first blog BUT my mom is what came up once I started typing. To be honest no words can express my hole in my heart. Well I'm gonna end this blog now...


RIP MOMMY I love you with all my heart. Save a place for me and Cj up there. I know you are cutting the fool up there..I LOVE YOU